1. Gather pictures of your coworkers, and print them on label paper and cut them out

2. Grab your closest coworkers who feel your frustration

3. Go to your nearest crab restaurant – not Red Lobster style – but where they dump the crabs on your table and you hammer out the meat

4. Place the sticker faces on your crab

5. Wack away!

6. Repeat 4 and 5 until stress free

* adding pitchers of beer is encouraged.

• Taping they guy I walked past on the sidewalk who was doing a headstand on a busy street, while making his legs dance in the air
• Video taping the homeless guy on the street who has turned the phrase “I am human, I am not a savage” into a fun song
• Tape people in traffic who are grooming while driving – such as intensive nose picking and plucking one’s facial hair – or just rocking out to a good (or bad) song
• Taking random, unexpected hot videos of the inside of my purse

1. Constant spitting is apparently acceptable in China – and not in a cute “Im Leo DiCaprio teaching Kate Winslet” kinda way

2. During the winter, you will not be served dog without your knowledge as it is a delicacy during the cold months to keep up circulation (good to know!)

3. The phrase “yes we can” can be used in almost any situation – choosing options at buffets, deciding whether to sleep or party, sex, when communists tell you to go slower on the Great Wall mountain luge, bargaining at markets, and SO much more!

4. You can get a blow job shot at a bar in almost any country – its universal

5. Eagle thrones are VERY cool

6. Rhino heads in bars are also VERY cool

7. Never position yourself behind a male coworker’s ass when he has to bend over to get out of a boat – especially if he’s wearing tight suit pants

8. Its always a good idea to bring your own toilet paper when traveling outside of the western world — the ability to hold it for hours or days is even better

9. Dont forget to keep the one slice of pizza for every 5 glasses of wine ratio – at a minimum

10. Its always fun to make up songs for your chairman to sing – such as P.I.M.P. or the tootsie roll song

11. Everyone needs a little shelf by the toilet with a phone illustration to tell you where to put  your phone while peeing — why didnt we think of that in this country?  So many iphones would be saved the fate of the drunken toilet drop

12. Learning how to say “well, at least we’re still the world’s superpower and you’re not” in any language is helpful and would make you feel better to rude cab drivers.  So would something like “you’re walmart’s bitch.”  Just saying ….

My friends and I were pondering this annoying reality the other day and came up with some alternative answers that may make grandma think twice before asking again:

Question: “So why arent you married/in a relationship yet?”

Answer: “For some reason, all of my Johns just dont seem interested in anything beyond leaving money on the nightstand before they leave.”

Question: “So when are you having a kid/another kid?”

Answer: “Since my husband is impotent, Ive been trying to have as much unprotected sex with strangers as possible, but all Ive gotten so far is [insert favorite STD here].”

I should note that as a general courtesy, I try not to talk on the phone on the bus, unless its short and sweet, no one is on there, or I am drunk – hey it happens.  But she was full on yelling at Mr. Comcast customer service, using the usual indignant white anti-customer service terms such as “completely unacceptable” and “I’m the customer” and “utterly outrageous”.

This is where I lost her.  She then proceeded to give Mr. Comcast her Visa number, expiration date, and that silly 3 digit number on the back – with no regard for the fact that this may be private information.  She didn’t whisper it, or keep her voice down.  She yelled it across the bus.  I was tempted to pretend text someone and note the info – perhaps she could pay for my Comcast too since I also hate giving money to those idiots.

After insisting confirmation numbers, repeating the amount charged back to her and Mr. Comcast having to promise 7 times that Mr. Comcast Manager would call her later, she hung up the phone and loudly proclaimed how Comcast was ridiculous and had no business sense.  Because announcing your credit card number to 40 people on the bus makes so much business sense!